Boasting of power in weakness- Bel’s testimony
“He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.””
I grew up believing: you are strong, an independent woman, a young doctor. I was prideful of my ability. My self-worth was based on my own ability, skill, accomplishments, qualifications. When people asked me what I was, who I was, I’d say I am a doctor, with pride. These few years after graduating from medical school and entering the ‘battlefield’, beliefs about my self-worth were proven very very wrong.
My senior once said to me, “To be human is to err.”
My patients spiraled out of my control despite my best efforts. I felt inadequate. I doubted my management. I wallowed in self-pity, which in turn is another form of selfishness
Groping in the darkness.
But my brothers and sisters kept encouraging me to come back to church. Each week as I came back to our English Worship and listened to Pastor Lam (Check out his sermons here - Truth Kitchen Youtube, Truth Kitchen Instagram) preaching on fixing our eyes on Jesus’ cross.
I struggled to admit that something inherently, deep inside was wrong, I was not self-sufficient. And I couldn’t accept it, to the point of thinking life was utterly pointless and purposeless if I could not fulfill my self-assigned ‘purpose’. I would talk about purpose with pastor Lam, with my brothers and sisters, and share the burden with them.
Then they would point me back towards the Bible and the cross.
The humble person is the one that doesn’t think of the self at all.
“I do not think I have ever heard anyone who was not a Christian accuse himself of pride. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular. The more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. It is pride which has been the cause of misery… it always mean enmity, not only between people,but enmity of God.”
Mixed up
Where was my identity now?
I slowly realized the truth that the self-pitying in my heart was down to pride. I am a broken human being, a sinner. Nothing was under my control. My patients’ lives, health and death, the families’ reactions, the efficacy of the medication…I had tried to play God, and save everyone.
“The one who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces
But the one whom it falls will be ground like powder.”
May our pride be broken rather than God fall on us and crush us.
I gradually realized that it wasn’t about me. Life wasn’t about me, it was about living the best me.
It was about living for HIM. I started with thankfulness.
Appreciating my family, my friends, my colleagues, the strength of my patients. Appreciating that nothing I could do would ever match God’s power and plan. With His grace, the heavy burden of my ‘best wasn’t enough’ was lifted off my shoulders. I finally accepted that God uses these trials and imperfections to hone me, shape me and my resilience. Just because I cannot be as able *the most intelligent doctor I know* does not mean I am any less LOVED by God. That I am any short of His grace. And I am continuously being shaped, sharpened, learning,
never perfect, all to His glory, and because of His glory.
The Bible is not a self-help book as I used to believe. It is the truth about God, understanding our great creator, about Jesus Christ.
Encountering the truth again, that everything is created, overseen, controlled by God, He knows which patient can be saved and which cannot. I can only do what I can and leave the rest to God. I bowed to Jesus, He is not just the doctor, the psychologist, the self-help psychologist, moral teacher, the advisor of my life...
He is my ruler and my saviour.
Stronger
Friends who have been with me from 2019-2021 would have seen the great transformation. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Physically I ate and became healthier, fitter, lighter on my feet. Mentally I felt sharper and enjoyed intellectual stimulation and the conundrums that I encounter in the hospital, when in the past
I would have been frightened of problems and shied away.
Spiritually, I knew I was stronger. And I knew it was never my strength,
I experienced God’s strength.
So here I am, writing this for the public eye, declaring my weakness, I am stronger because of God. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross for me, my broken, unworthy self, and giving me a chance at eternal life. That is the truth that gives me ultimate peace, and it is unexplainable by all science or knowledge or bookwork, but truly in how God worked in my life.
Previously directionless, I am now on the way to higher training, and God-willing, to work in missionary work and MSF. It doesn’t look like an easy, luxurious, or glorious life, but I will seek to do God’s work.
Previously shy to proclaim my faith, I am now singing my heart out in worship at church and on the stage, in the studio, and in recordings. Previously scared and timid, I am now unapologetically declaring to everyone
I meet the great news of Jesus’ saving grace.
So now, here’s to new adventures, full in His abundant grace.
New directions.
